How To Identify Relational Aggression: The Subtle Yet Harmful Emotional Bullying That Affects Young Girls
Understand how this form of bullying may be affecting your daughter, her friends, or other girls in your community.
As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to watch your daughter come home from school feeling confused, hurt, or suddenly withdrawn. Maybe she was quiet over dinner or broke into tears when you asked about her day. Through gentle questions, you may have learned that the person causing her distress isn’t a stranger—but someone she once called a close friend.
This kind of emotional pain is often the result of relational aggression, a form of bullying that’s subtle, hard to detect, and emotionally damaging—especially for young girls.
What is Relational Aggression?
Relational aggression is emotional bullying. Unlike physical bullying, it doesn’t leave bruises or visible scars. Instead, it attacks where girls are most vulnerable: their relationships. This type of bullying uses exclusion, manipulation, gossip, and social sabotage to isolate and hurt.
It can look like:
A best friend suddenly ignoring your daughter and pretending she doesn't exist.
Hurtful rumors spread through a group of friends or on social media.
Sarcastic jokes made at your daughter’s expense, followed by, “You’re too sensitive.”
Being invited to join in—only to be embarrassed or excluded last minute.
These behaviors may seem minor in isolation, but their cumulative effect can cause serious emotional harm. And because it’s so covert, parents often miss the signs until their child begins to withdraw or lose confidence.
Common Behaviors of Relational Aggression:
The silent treatment or sudden withdrawal of friendship
Spreading rumors or gossip, online or in-person
Using social media (e.g., Snapchat) to humiliate or exclude
Exclusion from group activities—and making sure the victim knows she was left out
"Joking" at someone’s expense, then blaming the victim for being too sensitive
Emotional manipulation, like dangling friendship as a reward for compliance
Being laughed at, mocked, or called names within earshot
The Impact on Your Daughter
You might initially wonder if your daughter is being overly sensitive. But when these behaviors repeat and escalate, the effects are unmistakable. Girls targeted by relational aggression may experience:
Frequent headaches or stomachaches
Social withdrawal or self-isolation
Avoidance of school or extracurriculars she once loved
Loss of confidence and self-esteem
Negative self-talk or feelings of inadequacy
If your daughter is showing these signs, it’s crucial to trust your instincts and take action. Early intervention can protect her emotional well-being and help her regain her sense of safety and self-worth.
What can you do as a parent?
Listen without judgment. Create a safe space for your daughter to talk.
Validate her feelings. Don’t downplay her pain or tell her she’s overreacting.
Avoid blaming her. Reassure her that she didn’t do anything to deserve this.
Talk to school staff. Teachers, counselors, and administrators should be aware and involved.
Consider therapy. A trained therapist can help her build resilience, set boundaries, and process the pain.
Model empathy and assertiveness. Show her that strong relationships are based on kindness and mutual respect.
Helpful Resources
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Monica Ramunda, MA, LPC, LCMHC, RPT-S, is a trained group facilitator through the Girls Leadership Institute and a certified therapist with over 24 years of experience. She leads a Girls Empowerment Group in her Louisville office for school-age children, helping them build confidence, resilience, and healthy relationships.
If you believe your daughter is experiencing relational aggression, don’t wait. Early support makes all the difference.
Contact Monica Ramunda at Rocky Mountain Counseling Services for compassionate, expert help.
